Paula Kolmar is BP’s on-the-ground blogger and a veritable ray of adjective-rich, poetic sunshine. It occurred to me today that she also might well be the most effective weight-loss guru the world has ever known.
Seriously…Kolmer’s vapid PR maunderings are the equivalent of literary bulimia. We can only assume that she wanders about the Gulf in a happy cloud (one wonders about the anti-depressant attributes of Corexit/oil fumes) and then vomits her spin-doctor impressions into cyber-space.
I challenge anyone to read her reports without experiencing waves of nausea rolling in like oil-slicked surf. Lest we think that her gag-inducing description of the grueling and desperate clean-up efforts were a slip of the keyboard (and sanity) – the putrid “A ballet at sea as mesmerising as any performance in a concert hall, and worthy of an audience in its own right.” - here are a few more Ode to BP selections from Ms Kolmar.
“On Mothers Day, BP provided a rose boutonnière for each mom and a wonderful Alabama police office bought hundreds of roses and handed a single rose to every mom and lots of daughters. Though the work never stopped, there were a lot of smiling faces and a few tears, reminding everyone that this spill response is only a very small part of what's important.”
“I have an insight now that is so beautifully human it reminds me of the strong threads that make the fabric of people. Just under the surface when things are going family well, but tested in times of great need, when friends and colleagues, even complete strangers, rely on you to be around to do what must be done.”
“These men don’t want to be heroes, complainers or blamers. They want one simple thing: to put their backs to Alabama and their eyes to the water and do what needs to be done. Behind the Southern drawl is a steely determination that from dawn to dusk, day after day, they will not let any oil hit Alabama's coast. “
“I was on a jack-up boat observing the practice operations several miles out of Bayou La Batre on a day when the ocean was calm, except for the groups of dolphins swimming around us. Even a shark came along to watch the show. Hot, humid conditions intensified by bright sunlight in a cloudless sky were actually made pleasant by the salty sea breezes topped off with lots of sunscreen and bottles of water.”
“Did they know about the oil spill before they came down? Yes they did (who doesn't). Talking to some family members, I found out why they kept their reservations: the sand is warm, the sun is out and the oil spill is pretty far away form Dauphin Island. Babies to great grand parents are enjoying the beach, even though there are bales of hay lining the beach a few yards away from the shoreline. They fully understand that it's a precautionary defence should oil begin washing ashore.”
If you have a few extra stubborn pounds to shed, I suggest that you bookmark this link:
If you wish to spare yourself the experience of reading the bizarre Paeans to BP written by one of their employees, perhaps you should forgo the “pleasure.”
* The writer of this blog hereby denies all responsibility for the health and mental well-being of anyone who dares to read Paula Kolmar’s posts.