There are things in the world that are terrifying. You know…the usual stuff: the 7 Plagues, nuclear war, pestilence, Rush Limbaugh, Styrofoam “peanuts”, Anne Heche, “infomercials – the things that make our blood run cold and our brains reel with the words “Say wha?”
This morning was pretty much the same as most. The scent of brewing coffee lured me into grudging consciousness and I staggered into the kitchen, turning on my spouse along the way (the Computer, not the Husband). While it went through its usual techno-stretch-and-moan routine, I poured a cup and extricated my leg from Charley (the dog, not the Husband).
Peeling William (the cat, also not the Husband) from my keyboard, I began to surf through the morning’s news.
Hmm…apparently the Republican Party of Iowa wants to restore the original 13th amendment (it had something to do with not letting Americans accept titles of nobility and such). The Party feels that this should be put back in place, thus usurping the 13th as it stands today – the abolishment of slavery.
“Even so, it’s a little startling to come upon section 7.19, which calls for “the reintroduction and ratification of the original 13th Amendment, not the 13th amendment in today’s Constitution.” Since the existing 13th Amendment bans slavery, while the “original” one was about something else entirely, the wording might give the impression that Iowa Republicans wish to reverse emancipation, which is not at all the case, according to state GOP Communications Director Danielle Plogmann. Like many aspects of Republican politics this year, it’s actually about embarrassing President Obama.”
Why they think that this would “embarrass” Obama is beyond me, but then I’m just on my first cup of coffee. Until enough caffeine has entered my body to lend me more clarity and insight I will shrug and shove this into my overflowing “Stupid Politicians” file.
Moving on, we come to Gore VS The Sleazy Masseuses. Blah, blah…the usual “famous person accused by money-grubbing whackos who emerge en masse years after the supposed fact.” We can all learn from these sordid tales. To wit: if you become well known and/or obscenely wealthy, have someone teach your significant other how to rub your shoulders, avoid strip bars, hookers, reporters, Glenn Beck and cavorting in front of open windows while naked.
Now, these next two scary-ass things belong together in the category of “Useless Oxygen Absorption Creatures”. I speak, of course, of Lindsay Lohan and something known as a “Snooki.” The former is a pathetic train-wreck of young entitlement and fame-addiction gone horribly wrong. The latter is the crude product of yet another “reality tv” show wherein foul-mouthed and thuggish youths are paid to demonstrate their mind-staggering stupidity.
I have yet to reach the point of such self-abuse that I would watch such a thing so, in the interest of research, I asked my 21 year old daughter what, exactly, a “Snooki” was and why she was known to anyone. Daughter’s reply: “She’s just some slutty, swearing, fighting chick on a show about people who all have the IQ of toilet mold. It’s a really popular program.”
Oh, okay then. Millions of people tune in to watch human toilet mold. Good to know.
Enough of this. I’m beginning to feel mildly queasy. I pause to refill my coffee cup and to swallow my daily vitamins (one-a-day and, of course, the tangerine-sized calcium tab that the doctor says will guard me against having my bones suddenly crumble like aged blue cheese). There – I’m feeling somewhat better so back to the headlines…
Oh crap. New research indicates that not only will calcium supplements not protect your bones; they might cause your heart to implode. “Their analysis found nearly a 30 percent increased likelihood of having a heart attack among people older than 40 who were taking calcium supplements. In addition, there was a small but statistically insignificant increase in the risk for stroke and death among those taking supplements.”
I’m going back to bed.